Secret Ire
by Nika1
Summary: flash-fic told from Aya's POV is concerned on Aya's nightmares...Bwa-ha-ha...^_^


Secret Ire  
Authors note: I wanted to write this fic for a long time, and finally I did write it! It's angst and dark! And depressive, to Rei's much joy! ^_^ It's told from Aya's point of view. What else to say? Hmm, enjoy! *faint away*  
P.S. And comment, please! I need to know what ya r thinkin'.  
  
I'm sitting still on my bed. The room is dark. Even darker than the night, that is stalking over the evening outdoors. I haven't moved for about an hour now. I can't. I won't dare.  
I clench my teeth, because I'm not sure that I will be able to keep my ire anymore. I close my eyes, trying to get rid of the image of a dark-haired girl with lavender eyes. But it didn't help, the image becomes even more vivid. I close my ears with my hands, but her tiny voice still echoes in my mind: "I count on you, Ran-niisan!"   
That's it! I can't stand anymore. I rise up, suddenly becoming furious. I tire blankets of my bad on the floor. Rush to the book shelves and overturn it on the floor. Next comes lamp, papers and books on the table. I am insane, I'm ruining my own room. My mind is clouded by anger, which has been kept in for too long time. I see nothing, but her trustful smile, so familiar lavender eyes, filled with love and trust. "Rany-niichan!" I hear nothing but her giggling voice. Suddenly my hands grab something cold. Something even colder then my heart. I gasp and notice katana in my hands. It is unleashed. I don't remember how I did it. That's why it felt so cold. I look at my hands strongly griped around a bare steel. Slowly I manage to open my grip and feel sudden pain. The blood begins to run over my palms. Red. Like my hair. Like her blood. My hair. Her blood. Hair. Blood…  
"I count on you!"  
I shiver. The anger lefts me. I feel empty and week. Slowly I kneel down. "I'm sorry, Aya-chan! I'm very sorry! I'm not that strong as you think. I'm not that strong…"   
I know that it sounds stupid, but it's true. I, a fearless assassin, admit that I'm not strong. I'm tired of being strong. I'm a leader of Weiss and I'm responsible for my team-mates. But I can't be anymore. I'm weak. I can't stand it anymore. I can't stand hearing Omi's words, each hard moment: "What shall we do, Aya-kun?" I can't stand seeing his puppy look. I can't stand feeling his need to smooth him and convince that everything will be ok. I can't stand lying to him. I can't stand noticing the knowledge of me lying in his big blue eyes, as he nodes, as if being convinced. I can't stand the knowledge of them depending on me. On my decisions…  
I'm afraid that once I won't be able to make the right decision, to take them out safe.   
"I am too weak, Aya-chan. So weak, but they don't see it."  
I look at katana in my hands. It will be much better, if I go… I move and press the cold steel on my white skin. I've never tried to commit suicide earlier. Even at hard times. Much harder than now. Even when you lied in coma. But now… nothing can prevent me from doing it. Nothing bounds me with this miserable existence anymore.   
Slip.  
My wrist bleeds.   
Slip.  
Another.  
"I am sorry for being so weak, Aya-chan!"  
"Gomen nasai, imouto-sama."  
But something doesn't allow me to lay still on the floor and wait for death to come. It's her voice that still echoes in my mind. I hear her saying something, but I can't distinguish words. Then her voice becomes louder. I hear her saying: "You are strong, Ran-niisan, I believe in you!" I angrily rise up again.  
"No, I am NOT!"  
I look up and notice my reflection in the mirror. An image of pale read-head young man with deep insanity in amethyst like lavender eyes looks at me. I feel the rage burning in me again. "It's you fault!" - I yell and crash my fist into the glass.  
It brakes in pieces, and one of them flies and cuts my cheek. I don't notice. I'm standing panting, unmoving with my fist slammed in the mirror.   
Then I hear the steps coming to my door, and worried voice of Omi asking something. I try hard to understand his words. Then I hear the door being opened slowly. I gaze right and see young boy stopped. He hesitates, because he doesn't see me in the dark.   
"Aya-kun?"  
"Yeah…" I see relief in his eyes, when he hears my words.  
"Is everything ok? I heard the noise and wanted to know if everything is fine…"  
"It's ok." - I cut him of.  
"Oh!" - I see as his eyes widen, when he begins to see the chaos in my room. I manage to move, look at him directly and say: "It's just one of my nightmares…"  
"Oh…" I see him hesitating, when he looks at the mess of the books, papers and cds on the floor.   
"It's FINE!"  
Omi jumps at sudden strength in my voice.  
"K." And he walks away.  
I look at the mess on the floor, at blood stained katana, at my bleeding hands…  
No one cares…No one cares…No one cares…No one really cares…  
Words echo in the darkness of my room…  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I don't feel the darkness  
don't feel anything  
pressure's lost and pressure's good in me  
don't move and don't hide secrets  
play hard, don't play alone  
move the soul without your own control…  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
*owari*  
  
Disclaimer: the story belongs to Aya-sama and to no one else. Secret Ire logo belongs to Secret Ire Staff, just borrowing it for personal needs. ^_^ Characters belong to Takehito Koyasu and Weiss. Lyrics from "Never Born" belong to Sandra Nasic.  
  
Tuesday, April 24, 2001  
  
~~~~~~~~~~ 


End file.
